Oh Hey;

So…

Also, this is long overdue…

A lot of people have asked me about my father and how he passed away… I fumble over my words just talking about him, so writing about him is probably going to be even harder… if this doesn’t make sense or something, you can inbox me or something…

I’m not going to lie or sugar coat anything and say my father the greatest father ever and that he was always there for me, because he wasn’t.

When I was 5, my parents divorced because my father had a bad drinking problem… after that, I got to see him on Wednesdays after school until 6 and every weekend, days I looked forward to.
Going to see my dad was the best thing ever to me. He let me do whatever I wanted, eat all the candy I wanted, and every Saturday, he’d take me to ride go karts…
Before I turned 7, my dad started talking to this new lady, and my visits with him became less frequent. He barely called me which meant I didn’t get to see him. His new girlfriend was controlling his life and he was becoming more of a father to her kids, who were all older than me, than me.
He also started drinking more and more… all the time.
I remember my first father/daughter dance; I was 8 and it was at my new school. I spent days looking for the perfect dress because my father promised he’d be there.
4:30 rolled around and he was no where to be found. At 5, he called my mother and was drunk off of his ass.
I was the only girl at that dance with my mother because my father couldn’t keep a simple fucking promise to me.
Until I turned 14, I didn’t see him again because my mom didn’t want me going over there because he still “had an alcohol problem,” but the truth was, he was so whipped and my step mother wouldn’t let him see me.
Just as things started getting better with him, he was in the hospital for water on the brain…
June 25th, 2008 was the last time I saw my father alive.
I got home from the airport around 11am on August 5th, 2008 and in the car, I asked my mom if my dad called while I was away. She said no. I said I’d call him later.
Later never came.
At 8:32 that night, I got a phone call from my uncle.
My father was dead.
I can’t put into words the pain I felt… I didn’t know what to think. My world came crashing down around me.
At the wake, I thought I was done crying because I felt so drained. I didn’t think I could anymore. I was wrong. Tears burned my raw cheeks and seeing my father laying in his casket made me physically ill.
I spent a lot of time in the bathroom emptying whatever was in my stomach, and lemme tell you, there wasn’t much.

The death paper says suicide.
My brother and I, we both know it was murder.
He wouldn’t do that his family.

So… there you go… that’s the story about my father.

Asdfghjkl

It isn’t fair to him that I can’t completely give myself to him when he’s completely giving himself to me.
It isn’t fair to him that I have someone else on my mind when he doesn’t have anyone else but me on his.
It isn’t fair to him that my heart didn’t belong to him when his belonged to me.
Most importantly, it isn’t fair to him that I’m not in love with him when he’s in love with me.

Every girl has this image in their heads of their perfect future… a good job, a nice house, the perfect husband, and a few kids.

I though that’s what I wanted with my best friend… I gave it a try and unfortunately, it wasn’t.
I feel awful siting here knowing that he’s heartbroken and I’m just fine… My best friend is head over heels in love with me… and I don’t even like him.
I just couldn’t look at the ring he put on my finger without feeling guilty.
I looked at the ring the other night and it hit me. It really hit me. I was engaged. It wasn’t want I wanted. He wasn’t what I wanted.
See, at the time, when he proposed, it seemed like I good idea. I thought I loved him, but the truth is I don’t.
I’m completely smitten with someone else, and wanna hear the shitty part?
That someone else could give two fucks.

Anonymous asked: who is it that you miss?

A boy

hfkjshksldf.

i’ve got myself in quite the pickle.